If you have a love-hate relationship with “the holidays”, you’re far from alone. I used to feel the exact same way.
I love how festive buildings, streets, and homes become - the greenery and the lights and shiny ornaments to distract us from depressingly short days. But my god, the work involved to make sure everything was sufficiently festive at my home and for our extended families? WAY. TOO. MUCH.
Several years ago, I had enough.
Below are all the ways I set boundaries during the holidays. Below THAT are three extra tips for you.
How I set boundaries during the holidays
I stopped doing it all by myself
Ten or so years ago, I realized that my husband and kids were not useless and could, in fact, lift a finger or two to help. Sounds like a silly a-ha moment, but man, it changed everything.
My husband had always ceded the holiday duties to me, because he thought I preferred everything done my way (partially true). Instead of getting angry at him that he hadn’t noticed how stressed I was, I looked in the mirror. “Oh, I never asked for help. Shame on me.”
My kids had been doing their own laundry and making their own breakfasts and lunches since they were around 8 or 9 years old. In other words, they, too, were capable of doing more than hanging two ornaments on the Christmas tree and then disappearing.
So, we held a family meeting and decided together who would handle/help with what. My load was instantly lightened.
I rank holiday traditions by priority - and some never get done
Because it’s easy to get carried away with doing all the things, I prioritized traditions by must-haves and nice-to-haves.
Under must-haves:
A fresh-cut Christmas tree
Wrangling my now-adult kids into a family photo for our holiday card
Sending holidays cards
Hanging holiday lights on the house (which I generously outsource to my husband)
Under nice-to-haves:
Baking cookies
Making every single dish for every single holiday meal from scratch
Attending all the holiday events in our small mountain town
Getting my kids Christmas calendars (before you call me a grinch - they’re 20 and 24 years old)
I treat Thanksgiving dinner as a normal meal, but with turkey
Neither my husband nor I come from large families. And now that we live in Colorado far from everyone on the East Coast, we usually spend Thanksgiving with just the four of us - me, my husband, and our two kids. We might have one or two friends at our table, but it’s still a small affair.
I love to cook, and I’m really good at it. But I do not see the point in cooking and baking for a week only to have eight side dishes (including two kinds of potatoes) and three desserts for four or six people.
Therefore, I treat Thanksgiving as just another meal, just with an extra side dish. We have turkey and gravy and cranberry sauce. My grandmother’s simple stuffing. Mashed potatoes, because duh. Roasted Brussels sprouts. And one store-bought dessert.
I rarely add new traditions to my repertoire
Elf on the Shelf never appeared in our house, and guess what? My kids turned out fine.
My husband is half-Dutch, so St. Nicklaus Day (December 6) is a big deal in his home country. When the kids were little, he had them put out their shoes the night before and then he’d fill them with traditional treats. But he wasn’t consistent about it and the kids didn’t seem to mind, so I just let him muddle through as he wished.
We do have one new tradition: buying a permit from the US Forest Service and driving out to the wilderness to chop down a Christmas tree. We did this with friends for the first time last year, and even though it involved dragging a very tall tree down the side of a mountain, we are doing it again this year.
If someone “needs” a tradition, they are in charge of it
When I was little, my mom would bake 10 or 12 different types of cookies for Christmas. They were all delicious, and they were all a must-have. And because she loves to bake, she didn’t mind at all.
Well, I’m not a baker; I find it tedious. When the kids were young, we’d bake three or four types together. But that was still too much for me.
Two years ago, I declared that I was no longer baking Christmas cookies. My kids freaked out. “You can make them,” I declared. “But I’m not.”
Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t, and yet Christmas is not ruined.
I buy gifts for my side of the family only
Holiday gift giving can quickly get out of hand, especially when ONE person handles all the gift buying, wrapping, and shipping. My husband and I divvy it up now. He takes care of gifts for his side of the family.
I simplified it even more on my side of the family. Unless we are spending Christmas together in person, we don’t exchange gifts.
I set boundaries during family visits and stand by them even when it feels impossible
We all have that one family member who doesn’t believe in boundaries and that “no” really means “most likely yes.” Like my dad.
My dad, who is 86, keeps busy by cooking and baking. How is this a problem? Because it also exhausts him. And when he’s working in an unfamiliar kitchen (ours), I need to be in there with him, pulling out the cutting board and knives and colander and pots and ingredients. And because he’s very prone to yelling when he gets frustrated, it turns into a fight.
When he’s done, it looks like a nuclear bomb went off in the kitchen. And who has to clean that up? Me. Because he’s exhausted.
Ergo, he’s not allowed to cook or bake when he visits. Like a toddler, he constantly asks if he can, but we stand firm and eventually he stops.
Three more boundary-setting-so-you-don’t-hate-the holidays tips
Don’t wrap gifts from Santa
That’s right: Gifts from Santa can come un-wrapped! Instead of hiding the gifts AND the special wrapping paper AND wrapping gifts late at night when you really need to be sleeping because you’re exhausted, you only have to hide the gifts.
If your kids are small and have already had a few Christmases of wrapped gifts from Santa under their belts, you can’t just make a change without them noticing. Tell them Santa got in touch and asked if you want his elves to continue wrapping gifts. You can report to your kids that said no, as you thought it would be nice to give the very-busy elves a break.
Say no to anything that leaves you feeling dread
No is a full sentence.
You don’t have to continue participating in your neighborhood’s annual holiday cookie swap. You don’t have to attend the same production of “The Christmas Carol” every year. You don’t have to send Christmas cards.
Saying “no” is freeing. Try it.
Stop trying to make the holidays “perfect”
There’s no such thing as perfect, especially around the holidays. Give yourself some grace.
If the gifts your kids wrap look like they were dragged through several rolls of tape, who cares. If your fresh cut Christmas tree is somehow crooked when you finally get it upright in the tree stand, who cares. If your entire Thanksgiving dinner was prepared by Whole Foods, who cares.
What matters is that you have the energy and positive mindset to enjoy your family, friends, and most importantly, the holiday traditions that truly fill you with joy.
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I’m working with my coaching clients to set their own boundaries during the holidays. If you need help with this, too, shoot me a note here.
