Why Don’t Adults Have More Fun?
Blame it on the Boomers: our parents are often the reason we adults don’t have more fun.
I keep hearing it over and over again. My clients admit it. My friends agree. People who I only just met acknowledge it as The Truth.
Our parents taught us to be productive and responsible kids, and many of us have grown into productive, responsible, serious adults who make zero time for play because having fun is not even on the to-do list.
It makes my heart hurt to read what I just typed.
It also makes me realize how lucky I was to have the parents I have – and how rare it was to have a lot of fun on the regular.
Having fun was my childhood
I remember having ballet class on Mondays, swim practice Tuesdays and Thursdays, piano lessons on Wednesdays, and dance practice on Thursdays after swim practice. My brother Nik didn’t do ballet, but he had soccer practice on Mondays and Wednesdays.
My dad has admitted that we might have been overscheduled growing up. Did I mention that my dad coached our swim team and Nik’s soccer team? And he and my mom organized and instructed our children’s dance group?
But remember, this was the ‘80s. Sports and other activities were for fun (gasp!) back then. They were not a billion-dollar industry. Heck, my uniform for my ballet recital every June was pink tights and black leotard, exactly what I wore to class every week. And Nik’s soccer kit was composed of a cheap, screen-printed t-shirt and pick-your-own shorts and socks.
I was also in elementary school. Low stakes stuff.
Nik and I also had a lot of fun WITH our parents. Even back then, it was unusual how much fun my mom and dad had. But it also makes sense, looking back on it.
You see, my dad was born during WWII in Budapest. He didn’t exactly have a fun childhood, and he was determined to give me and Nik (and our little brother “Andre the Accident” when he showed up in 1985) the childhood he didn’t have.
My mom is from upstate New York (WAY upstate), and as far as I can tell, she had a fun childhood growing up during the post-WWII boom. Because she married my dad, The Fun Machine, she never stopped having fun.
Like I said, my experience was not normal, because I’ve now learned that:
But being productive constituted a normal childhood
I’ve been learning this from my clients, all of whom were taught to be productive or else.
Reading a book? Don’t get caught! When you hear the garage door open, run into the kitchen and look busy.
Want your own money? Start working at age 12, put yourself through college by working full-time while going to class at night, and then wake up one day in your 40s completely burned out.
Feel totally perplexed when your young elementary age kids ask you to play? You have no idea how because … work has become your play.
Our Boomer parents were raised during a time when the ENTIRE country was shooting productivity up their veins, all day every day. It’s all they saw, all they knew, and so they passed it to us.
Their parents lived through the Great Depression, a devastating, nonstop struggle and scramble for millions of people, kids included.
No wonder we were taught to be productive. It was a surefire way to survive
“Productivity conditioning” is everywhere
It’s not just parents who condition us to be productive. The modern-day school system does that, too. But I think the worst and loudest influence is “society”.
We hear constant messages that we need to do, act, be certain things to:
Get a good job (whatever that means)
Support ourselves and maybe a family
Buy a house and cars that are nicer than the neighbors’
Save for a rainy day and retirement and maybe a 529 plan
Pay bills and take out the trash on time
Constantly decipher what is and is not recyclable because everything has that recycling triangle on it and that triangle is often a lie
Raise kids who are not assholes
Contribute to our community in some meaningful way
I really hate “societal expectations”, because they are probably backed by a private equity company.
So here we are, adults, doing all the things but not having fun. We can only have fun in a few acceptable ways:
Playing with your kids, but only activities they like and direct
Going on vacation and doing all the activities that are ONLY reserved for that one- or two-week window of time
Taking up a hobby that is fun masked as productivity or to benefit someone else, like learning to sew so you can make costumes for the high school theater department
I want you to have fun for fun’s sake
You’re working hard and being responsible so … what? You can die with a big pile of retirement savings?
Life is happening now. Fun is to be had.
I challenge you to pick one fun thing to do this week and do it. It could be playing the piano for 15 minutes. Creating a temporary art piece in the woods using sticks and leaves and pebbles. Going to an antiques store without a shopping list.
Fun doesn’t have to be a big experience. As long as it brings joy into your life, it’s fun.
Now, go have fun. And if anyone asks, The Fun Coach gave you permission.
